Letters Never Sent

Eight years ago today, I finally got out of an abusive relationship. I spent fifteen years with that man, and it ended in an event I refer to as “the bad thing”. This year was the first year I didn’t have nightmares about my ex, or the bad thing. That’s progress.

Today’s post is about letting things go, and saying things I want to say to someone who can no longer hurt me. A letter I’ll never send, because he’s really not worth my time, and because I have to get it out.
Continue reading “Letters Never Sent”

Still Crazy After All These Years…

… but aren’t we all just a tiny bit crazy?

In my last post I brought a very difficult topic to light. I’m happy to say to all of you I’ve made it 2 weeks and 2 days without an incident.

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I won’t lie to you; each day is a challenge right now. But today is probably the first day I’ve actually felt good about myself, and that’s a huge change.  Continue reading “Still Crazy After All These Years…”

Self-Harm

A few days ago, a good friend of mine wrote a post about her own experiences with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, not for attention, but to help others. It took a lot of courage for her to write her post.

Her strength and courage inspired me to do the same with my own issue that arises from long-term depression and anxiety; something I’ve kept to myself for about a month or so. Continue reading “Self-Harm”

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

There are many articles on Body Dysmorphic Disorder; from what can cause it, to the lengths people go to in order to obtain that “perfect body”, to how our media contributes to this condition. In this post, I write about the thought process behind BDD.

menopause express body image

 

Continue reading “Body Dysmorphic Disorder”

Pride

menopauseexpress.com - Pride

 

Pride is a quiet being that lurks inside of all of us. It sneaks out sometimes, in the form of judgment, and we don’t even notice it. It stings. It makes us feel ashamed; make us hide things. It can bring us down and make us cry. We can even hate ourselves because of our own pride and mixed emotions we don’t understand. Continue reading “Pride”

The ADHD Brain and Post-Project Let Down

I decided to write about this subject because there is surprisingly a lack of information out there. Yes, I’ve found other blogs, but I haven’t found anything from the medical, psychology, or ADHD field itself (other than one book, and he doesn’t cover much). If anyone knows of a credible resource please feel free to share it in a comment.

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You work on a huge project. You already have a tendency to hyperfocus, but when the project is this big and the deadline is so close, that tendency kicks into high-gear. Everything else goes by the wayside. Nothing in the world exists but the project. You may forget to eat. When you do eat it isn’t healthy. If you’re lucky, your family understands because they know this pattern by now.

The most amazing thing is the mind chatter disappears. Mind chatter? Yes. You know, internal distractions. The mind is never quiet. One worry pops in just as soon as you push another aside. You’re constantly spinning on one thought or another. Meditation never seems to work. Relax, you say? Hah! Right…

mind chatter

 

“Mind chatter is the result of a lack of distraction for the ADHD brain.” (Driven to Distraction, Dr. Edward M. Hallowell and Dr. John J. Ratey)

I can’t speak for everyone. We all have our own techniques for handling our distractions so we can get the job done. I wouldn’t get a thing done without the whiteboard in my office. I see it every day along with the deadlines. I outline each project into small parts, giving each part a deadline. I cross off my deadlines as I meet them so I can see my accomplishments. The downside to this process is it encourages me to hyperfocus. The upside is I stay on track.

I’ve also noticed I experience a huge adrenalin rush when I hit the point where I’m hyperfocused on that project. Yes, I’m stressed about hitting my deadline but towards the end when I finally know things are coming together and it’s going to work – the relief just washes over me. I feel glorious! I want to shout to everyone, “Look at what I’ve done! Look at what I accomplished!!” I’m on top of the world.

The project comes to a close and I’m riding on that emotional high. It lasts for about a day.

As I’m enjoying the well-deserved downtime, the mind chatter begins. I’m not hyperfocused anymore. I don’t have anything to “spin” on, so I spin on myself. To the person who doesn’t understand the ADHD brain it would seem I’m scanning the horizon finding something to worry about. I don’t mean to; my mind is just wandering. Most of the time I snap out of it wondering how I got there in the first place; but by the time I find myself “there”, I’m an emotional wreck over whatever I’ve found on the horizon.

These are the highs and lows of working on a project. I used to think it was just me but in my search for more information on “post-project let down” and “post-project depression” I found others experiencing this same issue. People are posting in forums and blogs, both ADHD and Project Management, about this same pattern. Yet I get no hits in the medical field… nothing confirming why. We’re all just speculating. This truly surprises me. Surely there is more information out there and I’m just missing it.

My search was not for a solution. It was more for personal validation that I wasn’t alone. I needed to know if others had this problem or if I was just … crazy. I already have a solution. I’ll stick with my pattern of planning out my projects; I just need to adjust for the project close. I have a great method for planning out my deadlines until the project ends. I just need to make sure I have something lined up for when it’s over. Downtime? We all need it, but I suppose I need to start planning something for that, too.

only human

What? I never posted about the “Inner McFly” voice?

I posted about this on my old blog. I thought I had it over here. So all this time I’ve referred to it and just assumed you knew what I was talking about. We’re either on the same wavelength or you’re all very polite. 😉

We all have that little voice in our head. No, not the one that tells you, “It’s time to clean all the guns!” We aren’t all that special. 🙂 But we do have our inner critic. You know, the one who tells us, “Hey, you suck!” Maybe some get the simple version, like that, a lot of us get a more detailed picture.

This voice takes whatever situation we’re worried about and starts finding flaws in how we’re handling things. Oh, it knows three or four ways we could have done it better – after the fact. And, yes, this voice is particularly loud when we are in the shower or driving in traffic (alone). However, it is probably loudest at 3:00am, when you are wide awake and everyone else is asleep.

I have caught myself churning and churning on (insert worrisome topic here), only to realize I’ve spent about 20-30 minutes getting all wound up over … nothing. Because that’s really what our inner critic does. It winds you up over your own insecurities, not over anything based in fact. Your inner critic operates & thrives on your deep seated fears.

When I catch the bastard in action, I usually slap the steering wheel in frustration, scream & say, “DUCH! GET THE F*** OUT OF YOUR HEAD!” To the other drivers, I probably look like a crazy woman. But, seriously? Screw them. It’s keeping me sane. I do have to wonder, though… You see homeless people on the street having a heated discussion with themselves… Are they arguing with an inner critic that just won’t STFU? Just a thought…

So where does the inner critic come from? :: shrugs :: I’m no Psychologist. I figure it’s part of the “not good enough” package, where you’re required to beat yourself up on a daily basis for one reason or another. We’re all our own worst critic and we all seem to have this “not good enough” streak to a certain extent, some worse than others. Some fall within an average range, some fall on an extreme scale. Self-esteem? Yeah, it’s got a lot to do with it.

A friend of mine heard me talking about this inner critic and knew exactly what I was talking about. She referred to it as her “Inner McFly”. I think this is probably the best description I’ve heard for it yet. I like giving it a name. It makes it easier to yell at the voice and make it STFU.

Hellooooo, McFly! WTF are you thinking? STFU, already!

Yeah. I like that.