Little Victories

OMFG where have I been? Yeah, I’m still doing what I can to battle the monster of depression. I count myself lucky – I have a very understanding and supportive husband. I get the feeling he’s been through this before, himself. He’s one of those people who doesn’t let things get to him. Things just “roll off his back”. If he can’t control a situation, he has this uncanny ability to wait.

:: sigh ::

Control. Yeah. I’ve learned there are things you just can’t control and you just have to let go. That doesn’t mean I haven’t fought this lesson kicking and screaming.

As a result, I went into a bit of a downward spiral. Anyone familiar with the patterns of depression knows the routine. “Social-butterfly-me” had no desire to go anywhere or do anything. The kicker was my office. It was a physical manifestation of the chaos in my head. Oh, don’t get me wrong – I’d obsessively clean the rest of the house, but my office remained untouched. Of course, this was where I performed my job searches, etc… Of course, I felt inadequate. Of course, I wasn’t happy here.

This is where my husband stepped in last weekend.  We sat down and talked about the depression, the lack of focus, my big fears… then we made a list. What do I need to do in order to feel like I’ve accomplished something?

I won’t share the entire list with you; most of it involves projects I’m working on. But the first thing was to clean my office. I spent the 4th of July cleaning my office. It took the entire day. I declared my independence from the chaos in my office, and the chaos in my mind.

You know, it’s been just a little bit better since.

Letting go

I’ve never been one to let go. I’m happier when I’m in control over what’s going on; or, at least when I have some semblance of control of events.

Next week, my husband is out of town. I have to rely on someone to get me to a doctor’s appointment. I can’t just go there myself, at my schedule, when it’s convenient for me. I have to go way early & wait…. she’s dropping me off and picking me up. At least I have transportation.

Damnit, I feel like an old lady.

I can’t go out and do the things I used to do anymore. I have to make arrangements. And, damnit, it seems like every time I turn around, my husband is giving me this worried look or asking me if I’m ok. Just….. Fuck. I feel so frustrated and so useless. :: headdesk ::