New Alexa Feature: Wake the Dead

I got Alexa when Amazon first put her on the market, and I’ve watched her grow and develop new features. I never knew Alexa could wake the dead until yesterday morning. She really can do anything.

Let me give you some background on this one.

The husband goes fishing every now and then. Alas, he leaves at a gawdawful hour of the morning. Three o’clock should only come once a day, IMHO, and that’s PM. But this time he was going to the beach, and I do so love to see the sunrise at the beach. So I decided to go.

Of course, that’s much too early to feed our dogs and cats before we leave.

So around 11:00am I remember to call The Dude (no longer “the boy”, as he will be 20 in January). No answer. Three times, I get voicemail. The Dude is asleep.

“What can I do,” I ask myself. Then I’m struck with the most mischievous idea. And it just might work!!

I pull up my Amazon music through the Alexa app, and remotely start playing “Sister Mary Elephant”, by Cheech and Chong… at full volume. Now, for those of you too young to know this reference, here’s a sample:

I watched the track go by on my phone and let it go just long enough, then I stopped it. I gave The Dude a call. LO! HE WAS ALIVE!! And I was much amused at his adrenaline rush and confusion.

Yes, I have my evil moments.

Yes, that was one of many.

Yes, I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Unintentional Prank

I couldn’t have planned this better if I tried. Seriously.

It was 25 degrees Fahrenheit this morning (factoring in the wind chill, it felt like 11 degrees). For those using Celsius, that’s a temperature of about -4, and it felt something like -11 or -12.

The Teenboy has been on winter break for a couple of weeks. Yesterday he made sure to have all his laundry done because I’d been telling him, “You have to get your sleep cycle back on track. School starts back up on Monday.” He set his alarm this morning, dragged himself out of his nice, warm bed, got dressed, and went out to wait for the school bus. One of his friends was there with him.They noticed no other kids were there. At. All.

No busses either.

It was dead quiet. The only sound was the sound of their teeth chattering. His friend finally called his dad, who checked the school calendar. Oops! No school today – it’s a teacher work day. School starts tomorrow!

My Teenboy walks home and gets a hot cup of coffee. He tells me this story and I give him a hug. He pays me back with cold hands on the back of my pajamas. “You’re warm…” he says in his most pitiful voice. “AAAAAAHHHHGHGHGHG!!!!” I reply.

Snow Queen

Freyja Kitty’s Morning Thoughts

It’s 5:00am. The humans have not yet roused from the bedroom to pet me and give me treats. I will jump on the bed, walking across them and talk to them to assure they are still alive.

It’s 5:30am. My actions earlier were not appreciated although were only out of concern for the humans. Once again my love was only returned by being thrown off the bed. But the humans remain comatose. Perhaps the earlier response was not a conscious reaction. Could it have been an accident? Was mother in the midst of death throes and I was merely in the way? I shall once again jump on the bed, walk across the humans and talk to them to assure they are alive.

It is 5:45am. There is no mistake, the humans are alive, but I am not sure if they are well. Mother once again threw me off the bed but she shouted my name. She also mentioned something about “Saturday” but why? We do this every morning…. Was she calling me to come back? I am confused. I will lament my situation by singing loudly in the language of my people.

Freyja Kitty

Opticanicus

I have a teen boy. No, let me rephrase that. I have a surly teen boy. Yes, he has a sense of humor, and I’m sure he laughs among his friends, but mom and dad are rarely funny. On weekends, when it is time to clean house, he goes about with such a scowl on his face. One would think his face would crack if he smiled.

Agent K, Men In Black III
Agent K, Men In Black III

I realize this is all a part of being a teenager, but every now and then I hit the point where I’ve had enough surliness for one day. Today was one of those days. I’ve always believed laughter is the best medicine. I just had to figure out how to get him to take it.

How, you ask? Well, in this case, I had to approach things with his sense of humor – dry and deadpan.

Me: You weren’t feeling well the other day and you’ve been complaining of headaches every now and then. I think I know what’s wrong.

Teen boy: What?

Me: You’ve got “Opticanicus”. You have all the classic textbook symptoms. I’m no doctor, but that’s what it sounds like to me. 

Teen boy: Huh???

Me: Yeah… Unfortunately, if I’m right, they can only correct it surgically. They have to sever the optic nerve you’ve got connected to your anus so you get rid of your crappy outlook on life.

Magic. His surly mood broke and I got a smile. 🙂

A letter to my persistent furry children

I love you dearly, and yes, you are adorable. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t risking your lives by waking me at 5:00am to feed you and to give you treats (yes, Freyja Kitty, I’m talking to you, too).

Miss Freyja, when I toss you off the bed and tell you Timmy is not in the well and it can wait two more hours, knocking things off the bedside table on your way out of the room will only serve to startle me, and piss me off because I’m really awake now.

5:37 should only come once a day, and that’s P.M.

 

I know you all don’t understand that little thing about poking at me before I’ve had that first cup of coffee, but please, stop.

Love,
Mom

Most Amusing Voice-To-Text Translation Yet

Or maybe I’m just silly today because I’m running in sleep deprivation mode. Insomnia will do that to your sense of humor. 😉

For those who do not use Google Voice, when you receive a voice mail you get a text translation in your inbox along with the recorded message. This is helpful when you are in a location where you only have email access and cannot readily listen to the message; however, the voice-to-text translation is not always accurate. Sometimes it is quite amusing. Today was one of those days.

We are well aware the flu season is a tough one this year; the bug has proven to be resistant to the flu shot everyone took earlier and as a result we have many people too sick to work. School bus drivers are not immune to the flu.

I received a voice mail from the school district notifying all parents of a school bus driver shortage, resulting from so many drivers being sick at this time. Temporarily, some drivers are covering multiple routes, and this may cause delays in picking up some of the kids. The recording is quite clear. The translation, on the other hand…

Google Voice Screenshot
Google Voice Screenshot

That screenshot probably doesn’t display well unless you actually click on the image, so let me give you the exact text:

“Good Morning. This is a message for FBI you can’t. He student a bus drivers. This is a current bus driver shortage, resulting from please you tell us I just got some drivers. The, and open bus driver vacant these for other about the FBI speed train, petition Department of have to double up some of our to contact the I. C. School. When around of double parent should know that your child schedule bus will arrive to pick up a drop off, but it may be delayed in Reno, Nevada. The school or in the neighborhood bus stop at a trailer time. In order to cover all the trial in the best in the expeditious manner possible somewhere else close to a particular cancer. Maybe double dot the section I can to keep the ways. I’ll talk to you and then i’m i’m. If your child’s best of tonight and still have questions about it some other time. Please call FBI Steve dispatch at (phone number withheld). We appreciate your help in this situation. Again, we regret the inconvenience and we ask for your patience and we work through the unplanned situation in the days I had. Thank you so much.”

FBI speed train? The bus may be delayed in Reno, Nevada? HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

How Does This Even Happen?

I was looking at my Dashboard tonight and noticed my Top Searches. Now, I don’t normally pay attention to my stats, but this was so far out there … I just don’t get it. I’m not going to go on about why anyone would search for any particular topic on the internet. There is a fetish for everything, and there are some sick people out there.

That aside.. how could anyone search for this and hit my blog? I don’t write about this stuff.

Tortured Boy? Really??

Maybe my teenboy did this to me. Life with a mom riding the Menopause Express could seem like torture, I suppose…