No, I’m just crazy.

It’s not just another phase of life. I am just crazy. I’m starting to believe it, anyway.

Depression is not something we keep in the closet anymore, nor are other mental health issues. We seek help. We talk to our friends. There are medications available to help stable us out if we need them.

Yeah….the medications. There are so many, and it’s so hard to find the right one (or combination of meds) that work for each person. In some cases, they work but they have horrible side effects, one wonders if they’re worth it. In other cases, they work for a while, then they stop working completely. Raising the dosage doesn’t help; they just never work again. I’m one of those lucky souls. I can’t tell you how many head meds I’ve been on that suddenly didn’t work anymore. It’s like I build up a resistance to the damn things!

The last two have been Citalopram (generic for Celexa) and Quetiapine (generic for Seroquel). Now, keep in mind, I’ve never been diagnosed as bipolar, schizophrenic, or with other disorders Seroquel addresses. I have chronic insomnia, horrible depression, and anxiety issues. This was to “stablize the mood”.

They both stopped working. At the same time. Lovely.

My head-up-her-a** doctor decided to keep me on Celexa while switching me to the extended release of Quetiapine instead. My thoughts? How the fuck is this going to be any different? Oh, if I only knew… I’ve had the worst reaction. Mania! RAGE!!!

Rage at the slightest goddamn thing! Disagreement with the husband?? Fuck. Him. I won’t talk to him about it like an adult – I can’t!!! I scream, I yell. Jeezus, I wanted to throw things last night!!! Doctor doesn’t return my call? Fuck. Him. I’m looking for a new one. I don’t care if I’ve been seeing that doc forever. I don’t care if that doc might have a valid reason. I didn’t get my callback!

This is not me!!!!!!

I officially stopped taking this gods forsaken med last night. I warned my husband. I can’t seem to get a callback from the head-up-her-a** doctor who prescribed them. Having all the “cold turkey withdrawal” symptoms anyway, so I may as well do it.

New Years Black Eyed Peas

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all had a great holiday season and had fun celebrating last night. 🙂

This morning started off with the traditional cooking of the black eyed peas. For those not familiar, black eyed peas are eaten on New Years Day for good luck. The swelling of the beans represent prosperity. They are typically cooked with a pork product, such as ham hock or bacon, and eaten with greens or cabbage. The greens (or cabbage) represent money, and pork, because pigs root forward when foraging, not backwards. So, not only does this southern dish taste good, it’s full of symbolism.

I cook these every year, but I do believe I outdid myself this year. I made the best black eyed peas I’ve ever made, in the shortest amount of time!! I didn’t have to pre-soak anything, nor did I have to start the pot cooking last night. The whole thing took about 40 minutes (only because I made such a large batch). OMG, they taste like they’ve been cooking all day!! People, if you don’t have an Instant Pot, get one. It will make your lives soooo much easier!!

My recipe today:

  • 3 pounds black eyed peas (we have company coming over)
  • 1 large onion
  • 2 tablespoons minced garlic
  • 1 handful sea salt
  • 1 handful (but slightly less than the salt) black pepper
  • Tony Cachere’s Original Creole Seasoning (I just shook that until it felt right)
  • 1/2 handful Tajin seasoning
  • 2 ham hocks
  • Chicken Broth until it’s all covered

Put everything in the Instant Pot, no specific order except add the broth last. Select the Soup setting on your Instant Pot. Make sure your pressure cooking level is set to High. Adjust your timer to 40 minutes. MAKE SURE your top knob is turned to the “sealing” position, and walk away. In 40 minutes, you’ll have the best black eyed peas you’ve ever tasted.

Oh, and heavens! Don’t forget your cornbread with this dish!  It’s a must! Bon appetite! And Happy New Year!!!

Happy Holidays

I know I said I’d post more frequently, but I’ve had reasons for staying away this time. Regardless, the year is almost out, the holidays are upon us, and I did want to make one more post before the new year.

Where did the year go? Remember when we were kids and time used to just drag on and on forever? Except for summer, of course – that was never long enough. But the older we got, the faster time flew by. Gods above, if it keeps going this fast, by the time I’m “old”, time will have exceeded the speed of light. Who knows? Maybe it will start going backwards!

2018 was a year of growth and change for me. I’ve been challenged with health issues this year, but that’s getting better. Growth has come from learning how to better cope with change in my life, and learning how to better communicate when it comes to my feelings, needs and desires.

I’ve also learned to step away and think before acting; which leads me to my next subject…

After I moved from Dallas this year, I wanted to post more frequently. But it seems my ex-husband has found my blog. He’s commented on my posts – twice. Once, asking me if I wanted my old birth certificate (from before I changed my last name). Now, I could have sworn I still had that in an archived file box; so I don’t know if he’s fishing, trying to find out where I live now, or if he’s serious. In any case, this used to be a blog where I’d talk about what was going on with my kid (who’s not a kid anymore), and my family. Now? Fuck…  I could block him, but that just blocks comments.

Or, I could just let it go.

Yes, it was a horrible thing he put us through back in 2006, but it was over 10 years ago. He can’t hurt my son or me. He’ll never threaten me with a loaded assault rifle again. I’ll never have to deal with cleaning tear gas out of my clothes and everything I own. Ever. Again.

So at the end of this year, this is me trying to let go of a grudge that some still say I have every right to hold onto. I’ve held this grudge close and dear for a long time. It’s helped me get through the years, and it’s helped me heal. It helped me build the walls I needed to hide behind for a while, before I could come out again and start over. But a grudge is nothing more than negative emotions after a while. You relive and remember the painful event over and over, and lick your wounds. At some point you have to let the negativity go before it eats you up.

Letting go doesn’t mean that what he did was “ok”, nor does it mean that all is forgiven and I’m willing to communicate with him. It just means I have better things to spend my energy on.

My message for the holidays is that no matter how old we are, we never stop learning and we never stop growing. As much bullshit that’s gone on in this world this year, and the health issues I’ve dealt with, I still have to say I’m happy with the way this year has ended for me. I have a loving husband and a great son, and a happy family. Family is so important, whether blood or chosen.

Happy Holidays, one and all. Be safe, be happy, and be loved.

Feline Hunting -The Competition Between Two Cats

** Author Note ** I wrote this post early this month. I’ve been holding it because I didn’t feel comfortable using any of the public domain images I could find on this topic. Feline hunting? Unless you’re a cat person, don’t Google that one. If your cat hasn’t brought you a trophy, you haven’t seen those images and you don’t want to.

I decided to just use images representing the two cats involved in this story and leave it at that. My Freyja Kitty and Loki Boy are characters in and of themselves. I think these images are all I need. 🙂


for-cats 2

My Freyja Kitty went hunting tonight, and decided to bring her prey inside before killing it…. again.

The chef’s specialty tonight? A very young squirrel — yae! Not even a juvenile. This would be a squirrel equivalent to Veal, so we call it “Squeal”…

…which is exactly what it did when Freyja came in the dog door with it tonight.

It had already been injured and I couldn’t save it. And I didn’t know how to quickly put it out of its misery. So, I picked it up by the tail, picked up the cat, and put them both outside together.

The hunt continued as I shut the door and turned away……

Freyja Kitty

After boring of her play, our great hunter decided to bring her prey up near the back door. Knowing she can’t bring it inside, this would be her safe space to eat her prize. Now that she’s done, she’s laying outside with her kill, crowing loudly with her mews, telling all cats who can hear, “Look at my kill! It was the purrrrrrrffect hunt.”

And this kill is mine. I did this. And you can’t have it.” And she contentedly curls up near it.

Inside, I have a male cat that doesn’t get to go outside. He knows the dog door has something to do with getting in and out. He just doesn’t understand how that works. This pleases me. But tonight, he sits at the dog door, and looks out the window. He sees Freyja with her kill. He hears her song through the dog door and he is consumed with one thought. One thought only. He must take Freyja’s kill.

black cat

I deserved it! I am the GREAT LOKI!!!

It should have been mine!

It would have been mine if they would ever let me go outside!

I must take her kill!!!!!!

Hmm… I wonder if Freyja sings her song for all cats, or to torment Loki, alone?

 

Still Here

I survived the Great Mold Crisis of the Summer of 2018, and the move that followed. Not only that, I actually made it through all that stress without having a seizure!!

happy-dance2

I stopped checking Facebook on July 8th. Sure, I have to check it to maintain a business page for my husband, but I only check up on that about once or twice a week. When I’m online I’ll check to see how my friends are doing, but I don’t post like I used to do. I’m not “all over” Facebook like I used to be. It’s been almost 2 months now. I’m kinda’ mixed about this…. It feels really nice to not be caught up in the drama and BS that goes on with the FB platform, but I feel out of the loop with everyone. It seems we all still use this platform to keep in touch with each other, despite the fact they sell our information to the highest bidder.

FB Selling Information

Yes – that image above? All those innocent quizzes you’ve taken were harvesting your data so it could be sold. I’m sure other free social media platforms sell data, too. As we’ve all heard at one time or another, “Ain’t nothin’ in this life for free.” But FB seems to be the chief offender in this one.

Harvesting data wasn’t my only problem with FB, though. It just seemed there was so much negativity, especially as polarized as our society is right now. Yes, people have the right to express their opinions, but after a while, some of us just get tired of the back and forth and (at times) less-than-adult ways of handling discussions. Especially with the November elections coming up, I’m glad I’m still off of FB.

But I miss my friends…

sigh

I may have to start checking in on FB more frequently, just to keep in touch. I feel like I’m giving in and Zuckerberg wins this battle, but that’s not really the case. I can choose here – I can either lose touch with people completely or not. I can post or not. I choose how much (or how little) I want to share.

So, as far as Flakebook, I guess I’m back… kinda’. :: sigh ::  Ever feel like FB has us by the short & curlies? Yeah……

 

 

Moving – The Full Story

I left off with “I hate moving!” You should know what’s behind that story.

In January of this year, I moved a few hours north. Not out of state, but a bit of a drive. I was closer to friends and family that I rarely see, and I thought this would make me happy after all that time of being at the bottom of the dark pit.

I discovered a few things when I got up there, though:

  • My health took a serious nose dive
  • Friends and family all have things going on, just like everyone else.
    • We don’t see each other nearly as often as we used to
    • We see each other “online”
  • I kinda’ missed my husband…. Yeah…. I missed him. The good and the bad. Everything.

grass_is_greener

The part about all of us having our own lives was easy to understand. We grow, life happens, we all change, and we didn’t live as close together as we used to, either. They may call me Duch, but I’ll admit it isn’t all about me, here. But, that’s just between you me, ok? I got a reputation to protect.

secret

But, my health…. Yeah….. my health was getting really bad. I had to move back. I wasn’t happy about it. I hate moving. But it had to be done. We set the date for the beginning of August.

BUT, the best laid plans….

I’m not going to bad mouth my previous apartment complex. The manager was very helpful in trying to make things right when they went drastically wrong that last week I was there. However, as with any business, there is always room for improvement. I will say that he bent over backwards to make the best of a bad situation, especially given my health issues. Let’s just say mold is a horrible thing. My health was bad enough; I didn’t want to add anything else to the list off problems. All this caused me to step up the move date unexpectedly by about 2-3 weeks. No stress here!

stress raccoon

I’m at my husband’s now. Remodeling is almost done. Mount Boxmore is in the front room, and I’m trying to find a place for my stuff. Things will gradually fall back into place and normal will happen again.

So…. This is the lengthy version of “I Hate Moving”. You’ll see more from me when Mercury is out of retrograde. Damn, this was hard to write.

Peace, everyone!