Happy Holidays

I know I said I’d post more frequently, but I’ve had reasons for staying away this time. Regardless, the year is almost out, the holidays are upon us, and I did want to make one more post before the new year.

Where did the year go? Remember when we were kids and time used to just drag on and on forever? Except for summer, of course – that was never long enough. But the older we got, the faster time flew by. Gods above, if it keeps going this fast, by the time I’m “old”, time will have exceeded the speed of light. Who knows? Maybe it will start going backwards!

2018 was a year of growth and change for me. I’ve been challenged with health issues this year, but that’s getting better. Growth has come from learning how to better cope with change in my life, and learning how to better communicate when it comes to my feelings, needs and desires.

I’ve also learned to step away and think before acting; which leads me to my next subject…

After I moved from Dallas this year, I wanted to post more frequently. But it seems my ex-husband has found my blog. He’s commented on my posts – twice. Once, asking me if I wanted my old birth certificate (from before I changed my last name). Now, I could have sworn I still had that in an archived file box; so I don’t know if he’s fishing, trying to find out where I live now, or if he’s serious. In any case, this used to be a blog where I’d talk about what was going on with my kid (who’s not a kid anymore), and my family. Now? Fuck…  I could block him, but that just blocks comments.

Or, I could just let it go.

Yes, it was a horrible thing he put us through back in 2006, but it was over 10 years ago. He can’t hurt my son or me. He’ll never threaten me with a loaded assault rifle again. I’ll never have to deal with cleaning tear gas out of my clothes and everything I own. Ever. Again.

So at the end of this year, this is me trying to let go of a grudge that some still say I have every right to hold onto. I’ve held this grudge close and dear for a long time. It’s helped me get through the years, and it’s helped me heal. It helped me build the walls I needed to hide behind for a while, before I could come out again and start over. But a grudge is nothing more than negative emotions after a while. You relive and remember the painful event over and over, and lick your wounds. At some point you have to let the negativity go before it eats you up.

Letting go doesn’t mean that what he did was “ok”, nor does it mean that all is forgiven and I’m willing to communicate with him. It just means I have better things to spend my energy on.

My message for the holidays is that no matter how old we are, we never stop learning and we never stop growing. As much bullshit that’s gone on in this world this year, and the health issues I’ve dealt with, I still have to say I’m happy with the way this year has ended for me. I have a loving husband and a great son, and a happy family. Family is so important, whether blood or chosen.

Happy Holidays, one and all. Be safe, be happy, and be loved.

Still Here

I survived the Great Mold Crisis of the Summer of 2018, and the move that followed. Not only that, I actually made it through all that stress without having a seizure!!

happy-dance2

I stopped checking Facebook on July 8th. Sure, I have to check it to maintain a business page for my husband, but I only check up on that about once or twice a week. When I’m online I’ll check to see how my friends are doing, but I don’t post like I used to do. I’m not “all over” Facebook like I used to be. It’s been almost 2 months now. I’m kinda’ mixed about this…. It feels really nice to not be caught up in the drama and BS that goes on with the FB platform, but I feel out of the loop with everyone. It seems we all still use this platform to keep in touch with each other, despite the fact they sell our information to the highest bidder.

FB Selling Information

Yes – that image above? All those innocent quizzes you’ve taken were harvesting your data so it could be sold. I’m sure other free social media platforms sell data, too. As we’ve all heard at one time or another, “Ain’t nothin’ in this life for free.” But FB seems to be the chief offender in this one.

Harvesting data wasn’t my only problem with FB, though. It just seemed there was so much negativity, especially as polarized as our society is right now. Yes, people have the right to express their opinions, but after a while, some of us just get tired of the back and forth and (at times) less-than-adult ways of handling discussions. Especially with the November elections coming up, I’m glad I’m still off of FB.

But I miss my friends…

sigh

I may have to start checking in on FB more frequently, just to keep in touch. I feel like I’m giving in and Zuckerberg wins this battle, but that’s not really the case. I can choose here – I can either lose touch with people completely or not. I can post or not. I choose how much (or how little) I want to share.

So, as far as Flakebook, I guess I’m back… kinda’. :: sigh ::  Ever feel like FB has us by the short & curlies? Yeah……

 

 

I’m Not Old Yet

I’m not old yet. I just wish my body would stop trying to say otherwise. I’m going to be 52 this month. That’s really not that old. But I laugh as I remember a time when I thought it was.

Ever feel as though your body has turned into that rebellious teenager you can’t control, and it’s doing everything you don’t want it to, just to spite you? You don’t want to feel old, so it’s going to do everything it can to make you feel like your aging mother or grandmother you remember from childhood. :: sigh ::

846-02797118

I shouldn’t sound so pessimistic. It’s not always like that. It’s just that, sometimes you have those days that you want to trade your body in for a new one, y’know? Oh, and seeing your own kid with that lack of fear of mortality…. Gods above, I miss that.

I suppose today is just one of those days. I’m writing to show that menopause, and getting older is no picnic. I don’t want to be grandma. As I get older, I want to be like this chick:

hippie grandma 2

I’m a lucky mother. My son is 20 years old. When he went through those teenage years, he wasn’t a “rebellious teenager”. We have a good relationship and it’s always been that way. We’ve always been able to talk to each other. Now, as with any relationship, there are days you can do better on your communication…

I’m sure that’s what goes on with your body as you age. Everything is changing and you have to learn how to communicate with each other all over again.

Peace and love, everyone!

peace sign

 

Social Media and our Health

Just over a week ago, I was diagnosed with an abscess in my sinuses. This one was hard – I haven’t been that sick in a long time. This infection hit me sudden, hard, and it was painful.

sinus abscess

Despite being on two different antibiotics at the same time, it seemed this thing was only getting worse. I had no energy (of course), so I killed my time on Facebook. After a couple of days of that, it just felt like I was being bombarded by nothing but negativity.  I didn’t want to communicate over Messenger or Facebook. I just wanted to hide under the bed. No special treatment for anyone. I just wanted to get better.

Sure enough, as soon as I went offline, I started to feel better. It was a gradual process, and it took just over a week, but I feel better. I’m not saying this is what cured me; the antibiotics did a world of good, too, I’m sure. But depriving myself from the negativity probably helped.

negativity and immune system

I told people that they’d probably see me back on Facebook sometime this week (thinking, after Monday), but, honestly, if I wasn’t running someone’s business page, I’d probably delete my account after this. I still don’t want to go back online there.

There’s enough negativity in this world already. Do we really need to bombard ourselves with more of it every day by using a social media platform that sells our private information to the highest bidder, anyway?

Peace, everyone.

 

Are we doing this again?

I remember, as a young child, feeling very put out because I couldn’t watch my after school specials in the afternoon. I was quite upset. You see, my Gran was keeping up with something far more important. President Nixon was drowning in the Watergate scandal and the Senate Intelligence Committee was thoroughly investigating the issue.

Gran watched daily to see testimony and to find out what else the President was lying about. The rest is history, as we all know.

At the time, I didn’t understand. I found it boring. I much preferred watching sci-fi movies about alien invasions and Godzilla.

This morning, I’m watching Former Director of the FBI, James Comey, give the long awaited testimony regarding the Russia investigation, his conversations with President Trump, and how things were handled.

I don’t know if this will answer questions or just create more. But I do know there will be more to come. That’s how these things work.

And now, I do understand why my Gran watched so closely back in 1973. It’s just the need to know the truth, regardless of what side of the political fence you’re on. If you don’t support the current Administration, you watch because, hopefully, this is the beginning of the end. If you do support them, you watch because you know your candidate is right and there’s nothing to fear from the investigation.

Regardless, we’re all watching.

The Long Climb

Sometimes, we find it difficult to write. Whether it is on our blogs, Facebook, or other means of social media. Some call it “writers block”, but sometimes, it’s just everyday events that just get in the way. Emotional garbage just blocks up the creative flow.

Sometimes, the garbage is so packed in there that it blocks more than creativity… it blocks our need to express ourselves, in general.

Good things happen and we want to say something, but we don’t know how to get past the emotional blockage.

Crappy things happen, and we want to say something, but the words just won’t come.

Horrible events occur, and we try to open our mouths, but we know if we break through that dam of emotional garbage, a river is going to flow and it’s going to be out of control. No one will understand where this raging flood came from.

So it’s just easier to keep things in, keep quiet, and maybe even disappear for a while.

Until you end up here.

pit

The journey out isn’t easy. It’s a long climb. When you realize you’ve isolated yourself, sometimes those voices in your head tell you it’s too late to reach out. It’s a tough battle, fighting those voices, especially when your worst fear is rejection.

It’s a hard climb. Your hands are as raw as your emotions, and the journey up is exhausting. Sometimes you slip, just as you think you’re making so much progress and you think you’re going to get out.

You’ll have moments when you want to let go of that wall and fall all the way back to the bottom, just because you’re having a bad day on your journey and you’re losing hope.

But you keep going. You rest, you breathe, and you start again. It’s a long fucking climb, and that pit is deep. But eventually …. someday….

The pit is always there, but I know where it is now. If I fall in, I know where the good rocks are in the wall. I know how to get out.

The Cycle of Depression

I’m wondering if I should just step away from the computer for a few days (or at least, step away from social media). I’ve been in a very …. well, I can’t describe my mood. But for the past few days my filters have been completely gone.

When FilterMode = False, I tend to post and comment whatever is in my head. Yeah, you got it – my crazy, fucked up head.

Now… those of you who are familiar with the cycles of depression will get this. When you’ve fallen into your pit and you’ve been there for a while, you eventually hit a point where you can get up again. But it takes effort, and that first attempt, all you feel is just “numb”.

I Feel Nothing
        Artwork by HyperboleAndAHalf.com

 

But you progress to other emotions after that. The first emotion you feel is anger. You go through an entire phase of “angry” at everything, everyone. You’re angry at the world. Everyone is “wrong on the internet” and you have to tell them why. If you do manage to get outside, good gods above, be careful when you drive. Those rat bastard motherfuckers can’t drive for shit! But you’re driving just fine, I’m sure… Road rage is a thing and you are its poster child. Parking lot rage is worse. You might even find yourself ready to get out of the car and choke a bitch over a parking space, for christsake.

scream

 

But at least you’re feeling something.

I think the anger phase is necessary in the cycle of depression. When you’ve spiraled down to the bottom of your pit and you’ve been there for a while, it’s the anger that gives you the energy to climb out again.

Being that angry takes a lot of energy. You get tired after a while, but you’re still on your climb to get out of the pit. That’s when determination kicks in. You start fighting for your sanity. You look back into the pit and see how far you came and you watch the anger fall into that deep darkness below you. You look above at the climb you have before you and keep looking at the light. The sun is shining outside of your pit. There is hope out there. So you’re determined to keep going because you’ve come this far.

Today, I’m angry. I don’t have a specific reason to be angry – none that comes to mind. It’s more all of the depression weighing down on me and I’m sick and tired of it. I’m angry at the depression. I’m angry at me. I’m angry at the world!

Today, I’m angry. So maybe I do need to step away from the computer. I am typing with my outside voice and I’m probably pissing off a lot of people in the process.

But that’s today. And it’s just something I need to accept. But at least I’m not in a dark room with the covers over my head. I have a list today and I’m working on it. I’m getting things done.

I went for it