Texas Winter? Go home. You’re Drunk.

I thought about titling this post, “This Day Was Totally Fired Before Noon,” but that just didn’t have the same flow.

My journey actually started yesterday. We were up in Dallas for North Texas Irish Festival. The weather on Saturday was beautiful. Sunshine; warm; it was the perfect weather for a festival. But Saturday night Texas Winter started drinking again and evidently went on another binge. Temperatures dropped dramatically and by the next morning we had freezing temperatures with a forecast of a winter storm that afternoon.


Mr. Magick Man and crew had to stay with the booth until they had the ok from the festival to pack up, but he told me to head out before everything hit. It was already starting to snow by noon. By the time I gassed up the car, I was on the freeway and heading out of town by 1:00.

I was born and raised in Texas. If God wanted Texans to drive on snow and ice he would have made bullshit white. We are not prepared for this type of weather.

I was relieved when I made it to Ennis and the weather was warmer. I thought I’d left the bad weather further north, behind me. I figured, as I went south, I’d be ok.

I was mistaken. There is this strange phenomenon I’d never heard of, much less experienced, and I ran into it south of Ennis.

As I was driving south, through Ennis, I noticed the skies in front of me looked dark grey, as though I was driving into a thunderstorm. “This,” I thought, “I can handle.” I even thought the lightning was pretty. As I drove into it, though, I thought, surely, the apocalypse must be upon us. Thundersleet??? OMGWTF??? 

Menopause Express Thundersleet in CorsicanaI thought, foolishly, I could actually drive this stuff out. I mean, just as I was about to exit, it stopped. The freeway was well “plowed” in front of me by the other cars, and we were only doing a top speed of 15-20 MPH. I figured I’d been through the worst of it. I braved on.

How foolish.

It started again. The storm was moving south, I think, and moving faster than traffic. Either that or we kept running into different bands of the storm. I got, maybe 10 miles away from where I originally decided to exit and stay at a motel when I realized I was now in the middle of nowhere. My next opportunity for civilization was at least 40 miles out. At this speed, I wouldn’t make it. I turned around.

Menopause Express Turning back to Motel 6It took me an hour to make it back to the hotel 10 miles away. In that time, I’d gone back through where I’d been and seen the accumulation. I didn’t think I was going to make it back. I was never so happy to see a Motel 6 in my life.

I checked in, ice skated from the car to my room with just the basics of my stuff, and camped out. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that, yes, Domino’s Pizza will, indeed, deliver in icy conditions. It may take 1-2 hours for your pizza, but they’ll still get it to you nice and hot. Pizza and beer (yes, beer is part of the basics of my stuff in that type of weather); I was a happier woman.

I had Mr. Magick Man’s c-pap machine, so he had to meet me. I really didn’t want him to leave Dallas. He had the offer to stay with some friends but he had our crew with him too and … honestly, I don’t know why he didn’t take them up on it. Either he didn’t feel right descending upon them with the hoard or someone was allergic to cats. In any case, I’m just glad they made it safely to Corsicana. Lyl – thanks for the offer.

The next morning, around 8-ish a.m., we all headed for home.

Now, just to give you a frame of reference, it takes about 2 hours to get home from Corsicana. We sat in a parking lot on I-45 at least that long, if not longer. It took us 5 hours to get out of Corsicana. And I did this without coffee. I’m surprised no one died. Honestly, we were lucky. When we stumbled into this mess I found out there were people who’d already been sitting in it for 8 hours.

Menopause Express Freedom

Once free from the gridlock, we made it to Love’s Truck Stop and I got a cup of coffee. Truck stop coffee never tasted so good. Oh, yeah… food happened, too. Priorities, y’know.

Although I satisfied my caffeine addiction, I still needed real coffee. I knew there was a Starbucks in Huntsville. We were doing the speed limit now, and the roads were clear. I could taste the espresso already.

We got there in short time and I ordered my drink, my body twitching with the need for its fix. Oh, sweet caffeine, ease my craving…. As I pulled away from the drive-thru and entered the freeway, safely merged into traffic, I took that first sip. They fucked up my drink. At this point I saw red, but I wasn’t sure if it was because this was just one more crappy thing in my day, or if it was the sea of brake lights in front of me. As the State Trooper sped past on the shoulder, I knew we’d be here for a while, and I had a full quad-venti-non-fat-raspberry-latte instead of the caramel latte I ordered. I was once again in a parking lot on I-45. Today was officially fired.

Menopause Express HuntsvilleI finally got home with the car unloaded at 6:30pm. That’s a little over 10 hours in the car today, for what would normally be a 2 hour drive.

I am so done with this winter. Done. Texas Winter is that friend that drinks too much at the party. Everyone is happy to see that friend when he first shows up because he’s so much fun, but then he really gets out of hand and becomes a pain in the ass. IMO, he’s more trouble than he’s worth. He needs to go to rehab and get his shit back together for next season.


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