On Dreams, Symbolism, and Where I’m Too Hard on Myself

Warning! Contains possible triggers if you are pregnant or have a history of difficult pregnancies.

Before I begin, let’s keep a few things in mind:

  • My blog. This is The Menopause Express. That whole “baby-thing”? Um… yeah.. I’m done now. Have been for a few years.
  • There’s a significant timeline in my dream.
    • We’re gearing up for our major festival (Texas Renaissance Festival); that opens October 6th.
    • Fall Semester ends in December

With this information, you’ll grasp the symbolism.

I dreamed I was pregnant. It was present day – I was my current age, as was my husband and my teen-boy. We were surprised. I mean, really, I did think I was done. But we were happy. Mr. Magick Man just adopted my teen-boy, now he gets another child? How awesome is that? We were just talking about the due date. The baby would be due in December, right around the holiday season. I commented the teen-boy’s b-day would be the next month. They’d be a month apart, but he’d be about 15 years older. That should be fun.

Then something really bad happened. Right around October, I miscarried. I was about 6 months pregnant. Now, I’m not sure what the procedure is in a late-trimester miscarriage, but I know they don’t do what they did in my dream… They rushed me to the E.R. This is where the dream shifted from first person to third person perspective.

They Photoshopped the baby out of me. Yes, that’s right. I saw the moving dotted line and everything. I can even tell you what tool they used. They used the Quick Selection Tool, then they hit Delete.

I woke up from this dream all weepy because all I could think about was being pregnant and having lost the child. But after my head cleared, I saw the symbolism for what it was. I miscarried right at our “busy season”, when I have so many balls in the air I need to be 3 people. My due date, of course, is end of semester. The baby represents my classes, my major, and my new path. I’m afraid of failing. I’m making all A’s right now. I don’t want to mess that up. At the same time, I don’t want to drop any other balls, either.

Really, I still think I can do everything. It’s just that Life gets in the way. :/

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~ by Duch on October 2, 2012.

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