Happy Birthday Dude!

Holy crap! You’re 22 today! That can’t be possible. I mean, I know you’re taller than me now, and I’ve finally gotten used to that. In fact, it comes in handy. But 22 years old? Damn!! In 3 more years you’ll be a quarter of a century old!!! But it’s amazing how I never age, right?????

But you know….now that I think about it, I guess it isn’t so difficult thinking of you as 22. I’ve seen how you’ve matured over the past couple of years, and I’m so proud of the strides you’ve made. You are growing every day, and I love seeing the man you’ve become (and will be someday).

On this day I celebrate the baby I gave birth to, the curious son I raised who asked so many questions (and hated the “day star”), and the young man you are today (still quite the insomniac – you come by it honestly).

Happy Birthday, dude!!!!!

Love,
Mom

 

 

No, I’m just crazy.

It’s not just another phase of life. I am just crazy. I’m starting to believe it, anyway.

Depression is not something we keep in the closet anymore, nor are other mental health issues. We seek help. We talk to our friends. There are medications available to help stable us out if we need them.

Yeah….the medications. There are so many, and it’s so hard to find the right one (or combination of meds) that work for each person. In some cases, they work but they have horrible side effects, one wonders if they’re worth it. In other cases, they work for a while, then they stop working completely. Raising the dosage doesn’t help; they just never work again. I’m one of those lucky souls. I can’t tell you how many head meds I’ve been on that suddenly didn’t work anymore. It’s like I build up a resistance to the damn things!

The last two have been Citalopram (generic for Celexa) and Quetiapine (generic for Seroquel). Now, keep in mind, I’ve never been diagnosed as bipolar, schizophrenic, or with other disorders Seroquel addresses. I have chronic insomnia, horrible depression, and anxiety issues. This was to “stablize the mood”.

They both stopped working. At the same time. Lovely.

My head-up-her-a** doctor decided to keep me on Celexa while switching me to the extended release of Quetiapine instead. My thoughts? How the fuck is this going to be any different? Oh, if I only knew… I’ve had the worst reaction. Mania! RAGE!!!

Rage at the slightest goddamn thing! Disagreement with the husband?? Fuck. Him. I won’t talk to him about it like an adult – I can’t!!! I scream, I yell. Jeezus, I wanted to throw things last night!!! Doctor doesn’t return my call? Fuck. Him. I’m looking for a new one. I don’t care if I’ve been seeing that doc forever. I don’t care if that doc might have a valid reason. I didn’t get my callback!

This is not me!!!!!!

I officially stopped taking this gods forsaken med last night. I warned my husband. I can’t seem to get a callback from the head-up-her-a** doctor who prescribed them. Having all the “cold turkey withdrawal” symptoms anyway, so I may as well do it.

Epilepsy Monitoring Unit – Home Now

It took me long enough to have a seizure, damnit, and WOW! I had 8 of them. They want me to come back for the memory study, but that will be done on an outpatient basis.

It’s good to be home. It’s good to be back with my family. But I’ll be happier when my back stops hurting.

I don’t remember my last few days in the hospital. The seizures must have hit close together.

The study showed that my seizures are, indeed, generalized. They aren’t localized to one area of the brain or the other. I’m not sure what happens next. I need to follow-up with my neurologist.  But I have a feeling that surgery to get rid of the epilepsy is out of the equation (and part of me is relieved). Still, we know more than we used to, and we’re still getting a memory study done. But it will be done on an outpatient basis.  I know every seizure can affect your memory, so I’m eager to get this done.

Epilepsy Monitoring Unit – Day 5

Still. No. Seizure.

So last night we did the sleep deprivation thing again (Wednesday, Day 4). I chose not to go to sleep at 3:00am, because I was still wide awake. Instead, I stayed up all night long. It’s now 4:15pm on Thursday. I’ve been awake for 31 hours 15 minutes, and I’m still going.

Last night/this morning, when it was dark outside, I watched strobe videos on YouTube. I re-watched Stranger Things Season 3 (for those who don’t watch, it has a photosensitive warning). The first time I’d seen season 3 I had to look away in all the “strobe” scenes. I felt like I missed half the season. Last night I got to see everything I missed.

As of this morning, I’m completely off my seizure control meds. Tonight I’ll have missed 2 doses. My husband came to see me this afternoon. He thinks I’m going to seize tonight. He says I’m showing some of the early warning signs that he’s learned to notice. Things like the look in my eyes or something about how my moods swing back and forth erratically. I hope he’s right, because I could have sworn I heard another person in my room while we were talking. Someone male, yawning very loudly. No one was there and he didn’t hear anything. This could be pre-seizure, or it could be some kind of hallucination because I’ve been up so long. I’m not sure how long you have to be awake for something like that to happen.

Epilepsy Monitoring Unit – Day 4

Still no seizure. You know, if I were at home doing all these things that normally trigger a seizure, I would have had one long before now.

The doctor says they’re seeing plenty of spike activity on the EEG, we’re just not getting a breakthrough seizure yet. Tonight we’re doing sleep deprivation again, and eliminating one of my seizure medications. The other one is still set to half dosage.

I’m starting to get cranky. This is the 4th day in the hospital. I want to be at home. I miss my family. I get visits but it isn’t the same. I miss hanging out with the dude at night, watching Daily Show and YouTube videos. I miss my husband, watching the ballgame with him, talking with him, cuddling with him…just being with him. I miss our cats and our dogs. I miss the feel of our house. I miss sitting in the den with the windows open, listening to it rain (it’s supposed to rain again this week).

Enough of that.

I’ve always done everything I could to avoid having a seizure, so this “trying” to have a seizure thing is strange to me. But I have this dark humor side that is getting used to it. It’s the part of me that says, “Well, if I have to do this, I may as well enjoy it.” So it’s time to watch all those movies, shows and videos that have seizure warnings. I told the neurologist this morning I’ll do anything I can to help. I really don’t want to be here this weekend.

I’ve never watched a strobe before. They’re actually kinda’ pretty. I wish I could enjoy them all the time.

Epilepsy Monitoring Unit – Day 3

I had 3 hours sleep last night because they wanted to try sleep deprivation to trigger a seizure. I couldn’t go to sleep until 3:00am and they woke me up at 6:00am. Horrifying. But, surprisingly enough, I was wide awake this morning, just wanting that morning cup of coffee. I’m only having the one cup today. I had way too much yesterday and my stomach is still telling me about it.

Despite skipping the sleeping pill and depriving me of sleep, I haven’t had a seizure. It’s now 4:15pm and I still haven’t had a nap. I’m running on 3 hours sleep and I’ve been awake just over 10 hours, and I’m still going. At this point, I’ve been awake for so long I don’t think I could fall asleep.

Today they’re still trying to induce a seizure. They did something I didn’t expect. My day shift nurse brought me a shot of Everclear!!! Yes, you read that correctly. Everclear; the 190 proof alcohol you can breathe fire with. The alcohol we all tried at least once when we hit legal drinking age, and swore off of after that hangover. They were going to ask me to just drink the shot, down the hatch. WTF??? I said, “No way. Bring me some juice to mix this with.” So, I’ve had a first. I had a mixed drink in the hospital at 11:00am. Day drinking!

You know, the least they could have done is let me drink decent scotch or whiskey instead.

They also gave me a couple of medications that will lower my seizure threshold. Probably something to do with mixing them with alcohol.

The plan for tonight is to let me sleep, but they want me to stay up as late as I can. I’m kinda’ curious to see just how late that will be. I’m still wide awake. They’re also going to skip the sleeping pill again, and cut the seizure control medication dosage in half. If this doesn’t trigger a seizure, I don’t know what will.

Until tomorrow, everyone. 🙂

Epilepsy Monitoring Unit – Day 2

They have their baseline EEG from day one. Now the fun begins.

Today I’ve been drinking tons of coffee. I’ve had six cups of hospital coffee. Now, I gotta’ tell you, I’m drinking the coffee the nurses drink. They drink some strong coffee. OMG, I haven’t had this much coffee in so long.

I’m trying to stay awake tonight. They’re dong sleep deprivation on me. I have to stay up until 3:00am, and they’re going to wake me up at 6:00am. This is terrible!!! No naps tomorrow, either, until the doctor ok’s it, so I’m living on coffee again tomorrow. Of course, they’re also skipping the sleeping pill tonight.

Today I met the head of neurology. Evidently, she makes it a point to visit all the patients in the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit. I was impressed. She was very knowledgeable and answered my questions about my testing schedule for the rest of the week. Memory test should be tomorrow, providing their department is available. She also correctly set my expectations about my stay here… It may be longer than 5 days, “depending on how you perform,” (direct quote). In other words, if I don’t have a seizure, I stay until I do. Joy….

Fingers crossed. Maybe with the caffeine intake and sleep deprivation I’ll have one and get it over with tomorrow.